Assesment

Deep in Knockturn alley, one shop stood out from the rest. It had tall, uneven windows full of warm candlelight, making it easily distinguishable from the filth-covered stores around it. Right at the end of the dark and gloomy road, nobody could miss it.

A customer wandering up the street was enraptured by the brightness of the store and walked up to it, ascending the small staircase. He read the sign; Hunting; ‘All your needs for hunting dangerous animals since 1682’. Beside it, a list of creatures, many of which were endangered and illegal to hunt. That aside, they opened the heavy door, its hinges creaking under its weight.

 Inside, the light flickered and shadows danced across the perfectly circular walls. The room had a large domed roof that made the shop seem much bigger than it had from the outside. Several candles floated in the rafters, each one eclipsed by moths. The beams holding up the ceiling were old and withered, bending and spliting with effort. Light somehow didn’t reach up into the top of the dome, making the large space seem tight and enclosed. Looking down, the customer saw brutal images of slain animals depicted on the rug filling most of the room. A smell of old fur and alcohol pressed in on him from all sides, only adding to the claustrophobic feel.

As he walked further into the room, he passed tall, teetering shelves, some covered in books with bloody illustrations, other lined with sharp and deadly objects, its use listed below. A large pair of what looked like scissors were stained with blood, while a tiny axe sat next to it with not a speck of dust on it (clearly cleaned recently), its handle covered in carvings of people and creatures. Each of these had a stamp on the glass case; ‘Enchanted’. Dozens of stuffed animal heads sat on the walls like guardians, their faces unfriendly and staring. Each one was surrounded by small weapons glinting in the firelight.

Moving towards the centre of the shop, the customer was distracted by a display which reached high into the rafters. It presented some glass jars, each one occupied by some rare animal part. Bones and limbs floated like fish in a fishbowl. Peering to get a closer look at an eye the size of a tennis ball, he jumped when the eye turned and peered back.

Around the display was a roaring fire inside a brick hearth. The black burning logs inside crackled and embers floated out, only to die moments later. It was decorated with dozens of gold and silver watches, each telling something different. One watch had only a single hand, slowly revolving around a coiled snake. The customer could feel himself slipping out of focus; the heat, smell of alcohol and hypnotising watch was making his head swirl.

Deciding it was time to leave, he turned and walked out. Although this shop looked nicer from the outside than any other down Knockturn Alley, it was just as dubious as the rest.

3 Replies to “Assesment”

  1. Hi Cormick,

    Here is some feedback.

    Be careful with your grammar and punctuation. There are some minor errors popping up that you need to identify and correct.
    You need to adjust your paragraphing. Remember any time you are writing a new idea, you start a new paragraph.
    There are some moments where your sentences become a little clumsy. Read your work out loud so you can hear the word choices you’ve made and how they fit together.
    You have a lot of great variety in your work which keeps your writing engaging for your reader.

    Keep at it.

    Mr Johnson

  2. Hi Cormick,

    In addition to the previous feedback,

    You are repeating certain words throughout your piece. Read your work out loud to help catch this.
    You are also swapping tenses occasionally. It is important that you catch these moments and correct them.

    Mr Johnson

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